I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
