I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
