Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
