he wants to bone in the snuggie
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
