I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
