I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
