I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
