she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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