his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
How's work?
Spinning.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
