I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I need a beard to bite.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
