i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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