your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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