Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just googled if crying burns calories
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
