I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
