She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
