I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
