I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
