it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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