Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
