11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Randomize
