You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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