I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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