plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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