He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
