Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
