I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She's the barista slut.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
