I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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