On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
