I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
