so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
