The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
