paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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