i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
