It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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