I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
