Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You can't motorboat a personality
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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