Tell her she can't have a vagina
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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