Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
being pregnant is like rehab
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
