If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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