Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
