i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
