Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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