nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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