I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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