I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
