Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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