do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
