I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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