I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
