I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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