We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
