I wish my penis had an off switch
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
