i jhust puked up my retainher.
barbara walters just said penis...
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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