I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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