"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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