Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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