You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
